Welcome
Life plays with many faces.
The masks we put on from day to day.
The sheer plasticity,
Cold, hollow, void.
It's all a facade.
Let the Masquerade Ball begin.
Friday, December 11, 2009
Still can't put these feelings to words.Hello! :D
Today was blah!
Pretty boring and standard.
Woke at 10:30am! :D
I'm getting used to this morning stuff!
LOL. Maybe.
Then slacked, and did nothing.
Ate lunch then went for my Placement tests for canada.
To test my standard to see if I can keep up with my classes over there! :D
So it was pretty easy, all mcq.
English was 74 listening compre questions, 71 other questions.
It was quite boring. And easy too! :D
Then Math was pretty okay.
Science was the only one that gave me problems.
They used such different terms, almost foreign! ):
Then there were some I've never learnt before! Ugh.
Thank god for mcq! Guess!
LOL So after that came home and did nothing.
I have 10 days left. That's quite saddening.
And I'm all packed for the rest of my days here.
I need to start packing my luggage.
Byebye.
P.S. I love my friends here! I'll try my best to keep in contact, I WILL. You guys too kay? :D
My eyes close momentarily,
But they jerk open again.
Desperately forcing it to be,
All of my self-restraint.
time for the revelation.
11:29 PM
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Unexpectedness.Hello!
SORRY. I'VE BEEN SHIRKING MY BLOGGING RESPONSIBILITIES.
So quite a lot happened these past three days! :D
Some good, some bad. More good though!
Kay Tuesday, had lunch with aunt at Tony Roma's.
Walked home with her after that! :D
Then went out with Joanne to have CREPES.
TOTALLY FUN.
We just ate a lot, and did a lot of nothing, sat around and talked! GOOFED OFF.
Had pepperlunch for dinner! :D yummy.
Though the smell of butter there is like! PUNGENT.
Then had crepes for dessert.
Then went home! :D COOLZ.
Oh JOANNE DECIDED TO TEST NAILPOLISH COLOURS FROM FACESHOP ON ME CAUSE SHE HAD HER NAILS ALREADY PAINTED AND DIDNT WANT TO RUIN IT! -.-
RARH!
Kay wednesday.
Dragged myself out of bed to go meet the guys at vivo at 10 to go sentosa.
I was looking forward to spending time with the guys!
LOL YES I'M CAPABLE OF MALE-ONLY INTERACTION! -.- ARGH.
So met them, then waited around for people.
Went ahead first with me, benedict, leon, wenxuan, yuyang, jianhao, tianjun and solo!
Then got there, decided to forgo my sunblock! 'CAUSE I'VE NEVER BEEN BURNT.
Then we played some volleyball. 1 VS 7!
Weights against no weights, shirts vs skins! LOL
AND GUESS WHO WAS THE SHIRTLESS PERSON CARRYING AROUND WEIGHTS.
WELL YOU GOT THAT RIGHT! :D
Played some then zihan came.
Played more then nicholas came.
Then we played somemore.
This time, teams of three with solo being a powerhouse.
LOL WE HAD FUN!
Then we decided to play more fairly.
So 5 on 5. LOSER DID 20 PUSH-UPS.
First game, me nicholas, tianjun, wenxuan and benedict won.
Then they did 20.
Second game, me nicholas, wenxuan and benedict and leon lost.
Then while doing our push-ups, this group of caucasian people walked pass us.
They were scantily clad in string bikinis and whatnot! LOL I know some people that ogled! -.-
So we were doing and doing, then this girl came up to leon and smacked his ass and started cheering.
LOL WE COULDN'T STOP LAUGHING. AND LEON WAS SO EMBARRASSED. HE'D BEEN GROPED. LOL!
SEXUAL HARRASSMENT. WELL HE DIDN'T HEAR THE END OF IT.
So after that, we played more, breaked some, went 7-11.
Then like played some, then started to rain so we washed up and went to vivo at 2pm. lol
Talked about AHA some.
Then we walked around looking for things to entertain us, decided to lunch.
Douglas came, then went back home! 0.0 'Cause he didn't want to eat again!
Then nicholas and solo went to eat BK and LJS, 'cause they had to leave early, for work and for I-dont-know.
Then we decided, heck it go eat!
But I went to draw money first, and bumped into yueli! :D
ATE ATE ATE. STUPID GROSS MUSSELS. 'CAUSE WE COULDNT WASTE FOOD.
THEN LIKE I SAID I WANTED TO EAT MUSSELS AND SO DID LEON, SO JIANHAO WENT TO TAKE.
AND CAME BACK WITH LIKE 20 OVER! THEN LIKE I HAD A HARD TIME EATING.
AND LEON LEFT ME TO EAT LIKE 18+?! LIKE WTF. IT WAS FISHY AND SANDY AND NOT WELL-KEPT/WASHED. HORRRIBLY SUCKY. AND LEON SUCKED SUCKED SUCKED. HE WAS SO MEAN!
Then we kept eating pudding!
ATE FOR LIKE 2 HOURS?! FROM 4+ TO 6!
Then we sat out on deck and talked. I wasn't feeling too well, in many aspects.
So I just listened, and wasn't talking much.
Then at 7+ we went home! :D
Came home and had diarrhea! STUPID.
TODAY. :D
Supposedly meeting at 9:30 at Clarke Quay.
Ended up reaching there at like 9:45 and was alone! 0.0
Then Yueli and Pearlynn turned up!
We decided to go ahead first. Joanne was sick and Peixuan was late.
So we went to BK FOR BREAKFAST.
Sat around and ate and talked until Peixuan came.
Then talked somemore until 11! :D
Then started camwhoring.
CAMWHORE CAMWHORE CAMWHORE!
Then went to 7-11 for a drink.
Then camwhored somemore!!!
Then decided to go for the Body Show thing.
Like we walked through the exhibit.
It was quite gross and scary and freaky.
Like they were all real flesh and bodies and organs that's been preserved.
SO GROSS. So we like saw some really coool stuff.
The staff there are really friendly, they must have been bored.
Then there was this body fat machine! :D
And we all took turns.
I WAS LESSER THAN I WEIGHED! :D But it might have been muscle mass I loss! ): ): ):
And I shrunk by about 2cm! ): ): ):
UGHH. But my body fat percentage was okay! :D yay!
Ugh people like benedict, wenxuan and joanne, olivia probably fall below healthy range. JEAAALOUS!
Kay I sound freaky! ):
So after that, we walked around and camwhored somemore.
Then went to vivo for lunch.
We bumped into Lynette at harbourfront station and she came with us.
Then Peixuan's boyfriend, jiacheng, was also there, and he came with us too.
Pearlynn said: "WHAT AN UNLIKELY GROUP OF PEOPLE!"
SO TRUE SO TRUE. COOL. WE AT LJS.
Then after that went to camwhore somemore! :D
Bumped into sec3 angeline from dance! :D
Then Mr Chia from nanhua came, the environmental in-charge, a little hefty, remember?!
He was really nice, we camwhored abit, talked to him abit, then he treated us to afternoon tea at BAKERZIN!
It was totally cool and we talked somemore, with such a weird combination of people.
And like he foot the bill! and wouldn't let us split! SO NICE!
Then we went home, took train with pearlynn.
SUCH AN AWESOME TIME!
I was so tired by the time I reached home! ): I napped a little.
I'm going to miss these people so much!
BYEBYE.
P.S. MANY MANY PHOTOS!
Sometimes, only then do you dare savour the novelty of the situation.
time for the revelation.
11:44 PM
Monday, December 07, 2009
Less than perfect,Hello :D
I woke up at like 12+ today.
After 8 hours of sleep!
Then like got ready at 3!
Went to Cine to get tickets for New Moon! :D
Then went to Somerset station to meet Michelle!
She felt underdressed.
WAHAHAHAHAHAH!
But it was freaking hot, and I was like sweating.
UGH. Gross.
Anyway we then talked and walked to CINE.
Sat around till we could enter the cinema!
We bought popcorn and drinks and nuggets.
The person drowned like 2 of my nuggets in chili!
And we finished like 1/2 of the popcorn before the movie started.
The movie was BLAH, BLAND AND UNINTERESTING. DISAPPOINTED.
Whispered with Michelle about KSTEW BEING GROSS AND UGH!
Then laughed at all the EDWARD CULLEN entering scenes being slow-motioned.
LOL Then we went around orchard to camwhore.
Then went to heeren's subway to eat an hour-long dinner.
And talked about lots and lots of stuff! :D gayface esp.! LOLS
Then waited at the GRAND CAIRNHILL HOTEL FOR HER PARENTS. Camwhored there too!
Then came home.
Tomorrow lunch with aunt, crepes with joanne! WHEE
Bye
P.S. Pictures:
Shades stealer, waiting for her parents.
AWWW CUTE. NOT
THE FLOWERS ARE HEAVYYYY!
Only human.
time for the revelation.
11:38 PM
Saturday, December 05, 2009
Wordless symphony,Hello! :D
I'm only posting now 'cause I just came out of the shower!
LOL Kay.
I slept at like 3am!
Then woke up at 9am!
LET ME TELL YOU HOW PSYCHO SINGAPOREANS ARE!
So yeah, the 313 @ Somerset mall just opened.
And Uniqlo is having a sale you know.
So my mom said we should go when it opens at 10!
And I thought she was pretty psycho about it.
So me my brother and her just went at like 10! 0.0
THEN WE GOT THERE. AND THERE WAS A QUEUE WAITING TO BARGE IN.
I MEAN OMG PLEASSEEE.. THE ONLY REASON I'M HERE SO EARLY IS 'CAUSE I LIVE ACROSS THE STREET. THESE PEOPLE ARE MADDDD! PSYCHO.
AND I JUST GRABBED EVERYTHING I WANTED AND DASHED INTO THE FITTING ROOMS.
AND THANK HEAVENS. 'CAUSE BOUT HALF HOUR LATER.
THE FITTING ROOMS WERE EXPLODING.
Then went home with all our purchases first! :D
Then went for lunch with mom and brother.
OMG. ATE TILL FULL LIKE OMG!
Then bonded and talk talk talk!
THEN SHIT, WAS LATE FOR LESSON.
SO CABBED FROM NOVENA TO BUKIT GOMBAK.
It was quite reasonable considering cabs are like daylight robbery. It was $13.20.
Then had lesson, did avalanche.
:D COOOLZ.
Then after that went for "dunch" with celia and joanne at bugis mac!
LOL JOANNE IS DANCING AHA. WOOOOHH!
COOOLZ. Then after that went PA.
PRACTISE PRACTISE PRACTISE.
FORMATION FORMATION FORMATION!
DANCE DANCE DANCE!
HAD FULL-DRESS. COOOLZ SORT OF.
I DO NOT LOOK LIKE A CONSTRUCTION WORKER KAY!
Then after that, trained to somerset with yueli.
WE WENT TO EAT AGAIN! LOL
Tried to go subway but closed.
Went seven eleven. I JUST GOT REMINDED THAT I HAVE CANDY IN MY BAG! :D
Then went to eat.... MAC AGAIN.
Then eat eat eat, talk talk talk again.
Then came home! :D
She's still on the bus I THINK!
MY FEET HURT.
AND I HAVE BLACK ROOTS ALREADY.
MY HAIR GROWS LIKE WEEDS.
SOO FAST LEH. I DYED IT ONLY 1 WEEK AND 3 DAYS AGO!
UGHHH.
AND I HAVE PIMPLES LIKE EVERYWHERE.
ONE AT EACH TEMPLE. LOL 0.0
OKAY I'M TIRED. BYEBYE
Soundless rhythm.
time for the revelation.
11:59 PM
Friday, December 04, 2009
Uncertainty.Hello! :D
This is my first post in 4 days! 0.0
OMG. 4 FUCKING DAYS! :D
LOL.
Sorry I was lazy.
Anyway I didn't do very much in these 4 days.
I have a very very boring life
Tuesday. Did nothing all day long.
Wednesday, went necessity shopping alone and spent like so much money! LOL AND CAME BACK WITH MANY NOT VERY NECESSARY THINGS. :D THEY ARE NOT UNECESSARY!
Thursday. Stayed home all day long too! OH AND I FOUND OUT WHERE I GOT MY WHINING TENDENCIES FROM. MY MOM! If you think it's horrible listening to teenagers whine, you should listen to 50-year-old women whine. SAVE OUR EARS! LOL. IT WAS SO HORRIBLE, AND SHE CROOONED TOO! BRRRR *SHIVERS*
So yeah I slept at 3am. Well tried to anyway.
BUT FAILED. I ENDED UP SLEEPING AT 4:30AM.
I thought about lots of things.
And like my very one-sided unreciprocated feelings! LOL AND I DECIDED I WAS SO OVER IT!
So yeah, kept thinking and thinking!
Then after that, I slept.
IT WAS NOT A PEACEFUL SLEEP.
I WOKE UP AT LIKE 7, THEN 10, THEN 1, THEN 2:30!
UGHHH!
So after that I slacked it all away.
Then went on facebook and realised, I WAS SO NOT OVER IT.
GOD I'M SO HOPELESS.
Hah!
Tomorrow have AHA :D AND LESSON, AND LUNCH AND SHOPPING WITH MOM AND BROTHER! :D
YAY
Byebye.
Tripping over my own laces,
Catching myself slack-jawed.
Staring straight pass their faces,
At the one so unflawed.
So tired of blushing, stuttering, giggling.
So tired of smiling, hurting, crying.
So tired of joking, hiding, screaming.
So tired, so tired of my heart dying.
Confidence dissipated,
Eyes fixated on the mundane ground.
Your voice, anticipated,
So afraid, so worried, to turn around.
So maybe I'm a fool
For your subtle winks.
But I'm so over you,
Or so I think.
time for the revelation.
8:11 PM
Monday, November 30, 2009
Remember when our world was the playground,Hello :D
Woke up at like 10:30am!
Then go to vivo meet yilin, jinghui and rachel at 12pm.
We walked around, ate lunch.
Then sat around.
Went starbucks and sat there till 5pm+!
Talk about all sorts of things.
RANDOM STUFF.
Then window-shopped.
SO MANY THINGS I WANT TO BUY!
Then we shopped all the way to Harbourfront.
Then at Shilin for dinner!
Then ate ice-cream.
Then came home!
Simple day. but really fun.
I'm leaving in exactly 21 days.
3 weeks.
How short.
I'm gonna miss everyone so badly!
AHHH... Need to spend more time with all my friends.
Can't wait for batch chalet! :D
Love NHDS BATCH '93! :D
Byebye
And our worst crime would be peeing in the sandbox,
We used to build castles on shifting sands.
time for the revelation.
11:45 PM
Sunday, November 29, 2009
Life is a dance.Hello ;D
I woke up at like 2:30pm today!
LOL THEN SLACKED ALL THE WAY TO LIKE 4!
Then got ready and went to PA.
Pearlynn WANG whacked my head with the flag and then told me she didn't do it on purpose. I was like -.-!!!!! Rarh!
Then just walked around.
HAD PRACTICE AFTER THAT.
I didn't even realise I was so so so so tired.
LOL But today was quite lax.
After practice went to MRT, sat outside Mr Bean with Alyssa and ate.
We sat on the floor LOL. Soooooo poor-thing-ish! :D
Then came home :D
Ate dinner at 10pm!
Slack till now.
I'm sooo glad it's the weekdays! :D
Byebye.
P.S. I NEED REST!
And we're all dancers.
time for the revelation.
11:40 PM
KnowledgeIsPower
1. I Do Not Conform.
2. I Can Be A Major Bitch.
3. I Am Highly Emotional.
TheGreatPretender!
Age:16
DOB:21/09/93
Horoscope:Virgo
Nan Hua Dancer!
Nan Hua 110'06/210'07/311'08
Ex-Nanyang Primary 1F'00/2F'01/3D'02/4E'03/5I'04/6I'05
TrueLove!
CertainSomeone!(:
Dance!
Friends!
Shopping!
Gossip!
Music!
Poetry!
Fiction!
Drama!
210'07!
NHDS!!!!
HOTPINK!
BRITNEYSPEARS!
ZACEFRON
ASHLEYTISDALE
LUCASTILL
TAYLORLAUTNER
PureAnimosity!
Discrimination!
Homework!
Nagging!
Loneliness!
BOREDOM!
Desires!
CertainSomeone!(:
Dancepractices!
LOSEWEIGHT!
GoodResultsForEndOfYear'08
GoodResultsForMidYears'09
GoodResultsForPrelims'09
GoodResultsForO'Levels'09
GoBlonde
Ear-Piercing.
Nokia N97 White.
TOPMAN Mirror Aviator.
TOPMAN Cartoon-Print Gym Bag!
TOPMAN Plaid Check Holdall!(Unavailable)
TOPMAN Pink&Black Baseball Tee!
TOPMAN Brown&Pink Striped Polo!
TOPMAN Vintage Check Trilby
210'07.
ToTurn16
BlindHope!
TrueLove!
EverlastingFriendship!
EndDiscrimination!(AllKinds)
EndWorldHunger!
EndPoverty!
Hollywood!
DanceForever!
NeverGrowPass18!
InstantWeightLoss!
Drop10KilogramsByTomorrow!
Fairytale
Prologue
You know the kind of day that we all have, the kind of day when the colours dulled and melodies were just notes strung together, the kind of day that made food taste the same and fragrances smell the same? Today was that kind of day, just like so many others that I have grown accustomed to. Then this routine fell apart, and in it's place a bullet embedded in my heart, a fatal wound. But this same bullet stemmed the flow of my blood, a menacing pulse threatening to unleash it's prowess upon the confines of my heart if the bullet were to be removed. It was then that I realised I could never live without it. Before, I could have but now that I have acknowledged it's existence and presence, losing it would leave a gaping wound that would never heal. And there he was, the reason for my existence less than ten feet away. Such a short distance, yet a strange distant feeling overcame me. He was truly so near, yet so far.
*****
Chapter 1
Walking to school had always been the same; the same trees passed me by, the same buildings stood rooted to where they were the day before, the individuals walking aside me in the same direction were vaguely familiar. I must have been looking for some kind of significant change if I had been taking notice of such minute details. Brushing the loose strands of hair out of my sea-green eyes, the sight of an unfamiliar silhouette walking amongst the regular crowd jumped out at me. The change I had been waiting for had arrived.
I did not know what intrigued me more, the mystique exuding from every pore of his skin, or the subtle dance his legs were performing with the ease of breathing, or the sheer confidence that emanated from his presence that was neither pretentious nor arrogant. He was definitely different, completely out of my league. Only then did I realise that the staring had turned into gawking and I had yet to see his face. I felt eerily drawn to his presence; like metal to a magnet, like the moon to the earth, like the earth to the sun, each bound by an inexplicable force of nature. He turned, as though responding to someone who had just called his name, the sight of his face robbed me of my breath. He was so heartbreakingly beautiful, too beautiful. His skin was bronze, not the kind that resulted from the countless hours spent in the tanning bed, but a natural bronze spread evenly over every square inch of his exposed skin. His lips full, yet perfectly proportionate. He did not smile, but I could imagine the straight white teeth that lay behind those lips His nose stood straight out, not too big, not too small, perfect. His cheekbones cut high across the plane of his face in perfect symmetry. But what stood out the most were his eyes, his obsidian eyes so filled with raw emotion, so filled with depth, so filled with mystery, a mystery I was bent on uncovering. Those enchanting orbs hid behind a thick fringe of lashes; a veil that left much to be wondered. A tint of blush was visible on his cheeks, something that was so completely human yet made this portrait seem so complete.
The rays of sunlight caressed his bronzed skin, the wind ruffled his hair and he stood grounded. I could imagine that if he had stayed in the spot for long enough, he would have petrified into stone, a statue. A statue worthy of worship would explain such perfection, then there was a subtle change. Curiosity flashed in his soulful eyes as they focused on me. Crap! He had caught me looking. Desperately seeking a way out of this frenzied disaster, I gave an awkward lop-sided smile. In that moment, a hundred possibilities flashed across my mind, ranging from complete humiliation to a fairytale romance punctuated by the perfect happy ending. I knew then that I was doomed.
He turned back around, and the mental abuse began. Perfection had just spared a glance in my direction, mercifully focusing in on me and the best I could muster was a crooked, one-sided smile. What a complete idiot. I was not by any means ugly of course, just nothing more than ordinary, nothing more than average and by those standards, I would never be able to stand within ten feet of this epitome of perfection and hold my head high. My blonde hair lost it's shine beside his jet-black hair, my shoulders could not hold my posture beside his effortless grace, everything about me paled in comparison. As I had said, completely out of my league. I sighed a hearty sigh, and trudged all the way to school.
*****
Upon reaching locker number 272, I swiveled the lock and retrieved my textbooks for the day. School seemed so mundane, uninteresting and completely boring. As if on queue and sensing my despair, the rhythmic click-clock of a pair of size five 2009's spring Manolo's signaled the arrival of Springfield High School's "queen bee", number one bitch and my best friend, Joanne. Everything about her screamed spoilt rich brat. Today she was dressed in a tight fitted Zara blouse, a denim short skirt, probably too short to be decent in public, Louis Vuitton purse in hand and a pair of Dolce & Gabanna sunglasses perched on top of her perfectly conditioned black hair. Her fingernails perfectly manicured and an anklet clasped around her bone-thin ankle encrusted in sapphires. If you asked me, from afar she would look like the menacing bitch and me, the unsuspecting victim, yet we were practically joined to the hip. This was probably due to her personality. She was everything your mother told you to stay away from; the name-calling, backstabbing, boy-crazy female. Yet for every other thing that she was, she definitely was not fake. She acknowledged every single part of her and accepted it. That is exactly what I loved about her.
"Tut, tut, tut. It should be forbidden that I were to be seen in public with you. What in the world are you wearing?" she exclaimed in her clear-as-bells soprano voice. Her comment had clearly been sarcastic, she had known me for too long to not be accustomed to my complete lack of fashion sense, according to her.
"Hey, aren't you too busy initiating first-years to be dissing my choice of clothing? And by the way I don't have a wardrobe the size of this hall!" I retorted, every word dripping with sarcasm, hands flying in all directions, emphasising my point.
"Awww... Look who's feisty this early morning," she scowled, retrieving her books from her locker, winking playfully at the boys who walked pass.
"Stop flirting with those lowlifes, it's bad enough watching you hoist your voluptuous figure around!" I hissed, stressing on the word "voluptuous" with air-quotes.
"You're forever stuck in the 60s," she muttered under her breath followed by an over-enthusiastic "Catch you in class!" before I could get another word in.
It was always like this with Joanne, easy and effortless. That's a little more than what I can say for most people.
*****
Strolling into classroom 17, I examined my schedule for the day; English, Advanced Functions, Government and Theatre Arts. I thought to myself how my classes today were the worst I had in the week, at least Theatre Arts was a class that interested me. I drifted absentmindedly to my seat, depositing my books on top of the desk and slid fluidly into my chair. Propping up my elbow, and resting my head on it, I drifted into the recollections of this morning: the gentle breeze, the golden sunlight and that angelic face. The legs of the chair beside me howled in pain as it was dragged across the tiled floor, like nails on a chalkboard, causing goosebumps and my hair to stand on ends. My eyes flickered to the figure beside me, irritation and annoyance omnipresent but mostly out of curiosity, that particular seat had been empty all semester. Then all signs of irritation dissolved into plain shock, I thought that someone might have needed to call an ambulance, I could have fainted. His flawless face jerked up, surveying the room, his eyebrows knitted into a knot, forming creases on his forehead, embarrassment written all over his forehead. How I longed to smooth those creases with my fingertips, gently carress - I stopped that thought in its tracks. I desperately needed to act normal, now even more so. I made the best effort I could to smile, probably looking spastic, and opened my mouth.
"Hey," I tried nonchalantly, but excitement seeped through the cracks in my voice, I felt all-too-eager.
"Hello, Name's Eden," he sang, or at least that's what it sounded like; music to my ears, as he extended his hand.
His voice resonated in me, echoing as it bounced off the imaginary walls in my mind. I once again reminded myself it was not for the best to leave my mouth hanging open and his hand left unshaken.
"Taylor," I forced out as I took his hand in mine and mechanically moved up and down.
It seemed as though I had lost all bodily functions, having to exert every bit of mental strength to keep myself from dissolving into a puddle.
As I brushed my golden hair from my eyes, I summoned every last bit of willpower and asked, " First day?" I punctuated the question with a smile.
"Is it really that obvious?" he chuckled " Do I look so uncoordinated?"
Great! I thought, he jokes. Again, I prepared myself for the aftereffects of his smiles. I managed to not look like a complete retard. That's one point for my team.
I was just about to speak when the teacher strolled into class. I tried my best to smile then snapped my head to the board. I was ten-percent relieved and ninety disgusted. I was relieved because I could think without having my brain turned to mush by this astonishing creature, disgusted because I could not believe he was doing this to me. I was seriously losing it. Mr Edwards called Eden forth to introduce himself. He started off with the usual, where he was from, why he transferred, etcetera etcetera etcetera. I probably would have fainted from boredom if it were anyone else, yet I was absorbing every minute detail he was providing. And I swore he winked at me somewhere mid-speech between his favourite colour and his favourite sport. I blushed a deep crimson, praying with all my up-until-now non-existent faith that no one had seen that gesture. At the end of his "speech", I had remembered almost everything mentioned, from his favourite colour being blue to his favourite hobby, reading. Now that surprised me, I did not see him as a bookish sort of person, more like someone who spent time running across grass, chasing balls or whatever sporty guys do.
Upon reaching his seat, he flashed me a thumbs-up, something I responded to with my goofy grin, again. I mentally attacked myself for my stupidity, he must have thought I thought he was boring due to my lack of response. In truth, it was just the opposite, he was too fascinating, making it hard for me to digest.
What I felt for him must have been close to what humans felt when they first discovered fire; they found life, I found meaning in life.
*****
Chapter 2
Mr Edwards seemed to drone on and on yet the clock's hands ticked slower and slower, as though coming to a stop. It seemed like forever. It would have made no difference if Mr Edwards had been speaking Swedish, my mind was not on Shakespearian Literature. Instead, it was on a certain someone sitting almost three feet away from me. My blood pulsed through my veins, desire running deep. Occasionally, I would sneak a glance in his direction and I would exhale with exceptional force, onlookers would probably have thought I was about to go into respiratory distress. His uncanny beauty never failed to make me gasp in awe and stare like an idiot, instead the more I looked, the harder it seemed for me to tear my eyes away from him. It took an exceptionally large amount of mental strength along with the previously mentioned impairment of mental capability. I was losing hold of myself. Dazed and dazzled by him, my mind wandered, to the infinite possibilities where I could have perhaps fallen into his cradling arms and the spark of instant chemistry would overwhelm us. His lips would meet mine in a flurry of motion and his breath so -.
"Ms Johnson, Lady Macbeth wouldn't have appreciated it if your head hitting the table interrupted her hand-washing," squawked Mr Edward, in that instant my teacher could have been the president for all I cared and my eyes would still have darted from the floor to the speaker's face, shooting daggers aimed to kill.
I turned and looked at Eden, blushing with embarrassment. He laughed, my mind held on to each clear note, unwilling for it to disappear. I fell into a daze once again, His charm prevailing over my last shred of dignity.
The shrieking of the bell pierced through my daydreams, rudely waking me from my paradise. Eden meant delight in Hebrew, how absolutely fitting for someone of such indescribability. I sighed as I picked up my books, intentionally strolling slowly, hovering over his desk, hoping to once again feel the rush of adrenaline. As if granting my wish and more, he swiveled around, grinning from ear to ear.
"What's your next period?" he asked, with a hopeful expression.
I could not comprehend what he was talking about. Period? Period as in? Why did he want to know the date of my menstrual cycle? Did he want to possibly have -. Again, my rampant thoughts were halted by realisation.
"Oh right, lessons, period. Hmmm... Advanced Functions." I said in a less than satisfactory tone, as I traced my finger down my schedule, the dam built in my blood vessels connected to my face threatening to explode.
This was horrible, my mind was a puddle of mush around him. I could never think straight. How fancy of my mind to jump straight to the possibility of having sexual intimacy at the mention of my next "period", which in this context was obviously about classes. He's like a poison, intruding into my mind, plaguing every corner with his presence. How did he do it? How did I let myself fall into such a trap? How do I get myself out? As soon as the last question surfaced, the answer stared at me in my face. I did not, I could not, I would not. There was no way out of this.
"Hmmm... I have French." He replied, a hint of disappointment in his voice.
That, I could not understand. Why did he sound as if he wanted to be with me? Was it his predatory trait to be so alluring, to lure me, the innocent prey, into his trap? If so, he's accomplished much. I feel at a loss.
"Well, maybe I'd see you at lunch." It came out more of a question than a statement. His eyes bright with hope.
Before my mind could process the words coming out of my mouth, they were out there, "Sure, love to."
There was a certain twinkle in his eyes when he picked his books up and left, his strut confident as a runway model. I heaved a sigh. He was a magnet, and my heart was made of metal. When he left, this piece of metal in me almost tore through the flesh and skin to follow him. A dull ache pulsed through my veins, reaching all over my body. The thought of not having him in my sight, not knowing what he was doing worried me, what if he had disappeared, not coming back anymore. The thought horrified me more than anything so I shoved it in the back of my head. Joanne is in my Advanced Functions class, she would probably chatter all my worries away. I giggled to myself as I conjured up an imaginary conversation between me and her about her latest conquests. She probably would not spare me from the grotesque details. I walked briskly to my next class, coincidentally bumping into Joanne.
*****
Time passed in a whir, Joanne's constant chatter kept me from that muted voice in my head. As we were walking to the cafeteria for lunch, the lunch "date" I'd made with Eden made me tingle with excitement and anxiety. I felt jittery and tensed, just like before an examination. Maybe this is what it is, an examination to measure my competency to be his friend. I was sure I would flunk this test. My eyes stared straight ahead, Joanne's voice a mere buzz in my ear. Eden's images flashed in my mind, details hazy, I tried with all I could to recall the angle of his nose, the intensity of his eyes, the scent of his cologne, and my memory failed me. Too many details, too little time to grasp all of it. An incompetency natural for being human, a glitch in my programming, something I could not help. Again, the hopefulness and elation in his voice puzzled me. There was not even a slight possibility that it was out of interest in me. He could not have taken an interest in me, plain, regular, ordinary me. I was like a table lamp and him a chandelier. I was the type of person who would highlight his excellence, his superiority, his perfection. I was on fire, flames of desire, passion and anticipation engulfed me whole, burning with such intensity, I felt for sure I would have been a charred mess. As the doors of the cafeteria swung open, I inhaled a gulp full of cool air-conditioned air and stepped through. Reality and fantasy blurred as I stared back into the deepest, most intense eyes I had ever seen, adrenaline coursing through my veins like a Ferrari weaving through New York City's mid-day jam.
The room around me spun, my chest tight as the insides of me howled. I forgot to breathe. As I inhaled the first of air, relief from the excruciating pain made me sigh. The obsidian eyes still looking intently into the emerald green of mine, as if peering into the depths of my mind. A sudden shifts of wind, a mere second passed and the voice I've been craving came out of the lips I've been craving.
"So you made it, I thought you were just kidding." A wide smile spread over his face, his pearly-whites glimmered.
My knees still weak from that ambush, I stuttered, "I did say I'd be here."
"I like someone who can keep their word." was all he replied, a hint of teasing behind that melody.
Like, like me? I thought and thought, trying to decipher a code that might've been non-existent for all I knew. I prayed and hoped that he might have said it in the way I wanted him to. I wished and prayed that he would express a romantic interest in me. I wished and prayed that he would feel the same as I do. Hope grew and grew in me, a bubble. I knew it was just an assumption and a high chance my bubble would burst. But I decided to enjoy this feeling for now, this sensation of high, just like ecstasy. I indulged in this hope, until the bubble burst, and I fell from cloud nine into the fiery pits of hell.
A sharp jab from beside me reminded me of Joanne's presence. I shot her a questioning look, seeing desire in her eyes which flickered to jealousy and irritation. This was something I could interpret. She was jealous of me for finding this perfect specimen of manhood, irritated she was not the first to know and she wanted him so badly. My eyes burned with an emotion, I couldn't understand. All I knew was that when she looked once again at me, desire vanished, replaced with fear.
She whispered, "I'm going away now, but I want all the details when you get back. Promise?!"
"Anything to get rid of you." I hissed, sarcasm lightly hinted yet it was unsure. I could not bring myself to admit I really did want her to disappear, to have him all to myself.
"Slutty whore!" She teased, as she stalked off towards her usual table with those dumb blondes, the cheerleaders.
"Shall we?" Eden put out his hand, gesturing for me to take it.
As my hand rested in his, static flowed through me, shocking me, almost painful. Yet I indulged in this pain, a sadistic pleasure. His grip firm yet gentle, assuring yet provoking, painful yet pleasurable. My neurones were overworked, they were screaming in pain, the sensations shooting through my body each distinct yet similar, all addictive.
We, my mind liked the way it sounded, as if a union, sat down at an empty table across each other. He propped up his elbow and looked at me intently, as if trying to understand some deep philosophy written on my face. My eyebrows arched questioningly, the wrinkles in his faced smoothed out into a surface, just like varnished wood. I scanned the surface of his skin for any physical blemish, I could see tiny scars here and there, a blackhead or two. Knowing he had these human flaws made me feel better, he was not imaginary, just as human as me. No, my mind rejected that, how could he be like me in anyway, he was more, he was better, he was superior. I looked into his eyes again and he stared back into mine, his glossy coal eyes were a mirror, I could make out the reflection of myself. We sat there gazing into each others' eyes, for what seemed like hours. A second passed, and the silent exchange ended.
He spoke, "How bout we get some food?" His voice, smooth yet hinting a little ruggedness, so masculine yet gentle. It's effects exerted all the way through my body, hypnotising me.
I followed him as he stood, there was no need for an answer. We stood in line, I looked at him hopefully, we ordered our food, I looked at him painfully, when we got back to our seat, I looked at him, hurt. I saw how many pairs of eyes fixated on him, I saw the intrigue and interest they expressed. Me, who am I?
With effortless ease, conversation flowed, I could not recall any detail of what was being spoken, I just debated within the confines of my mind the complete absolute certainty about my chances to be with him. I just glanced at him and his eyes filled with concerned yet he did not probe. Considerate much, as if he did not have enough desirable qualities. An angel descended right in front of me, his stairway from heaven lead to the threshold of my heart, yet I had to watch him walk away. It hurt.
Time disappeared, the clocks seemed to have been readjusted but the bell did not lie, lunch was over. And then so were my next two classes, I could barely recall any detail of Government or Theatre Arts, my favourite class. I left school, the internal warfare continued. It was no battle actually, just my blind hope and romanticism that fought so hard to keep me in doubt, a grey area, safe. I had arrived on the porch of a two-storey house before I realised it, something I dreaded, something I tried to avoid, something I feared, I was home.
*****
Chapter 3
I stood rooted to the ground, petrified. Minutes passed, and I did nothing but stare. Goosebumps covered my exposed skin as my hair stood on ends, fear had erased all mobility. With every bit of conscious control I had, I willed my arm to turn the knob. A routine performed daily should not have held so much fear, but it did, for me. The creaking of the door, as I pushed it open slightly, to me was as loud as the blaring horn of an ambulance or fire truck. I attempted being more gentle but to no avail. Although the sun hung high in the sky, cloudless, before me was pitch-black. A monstrous shadow, unknown, the sunlight could not penetrate this fog that held all things fearful for me. I stepped daintily through the gateway of hell, awaiting Cerberus. A minute of silence, two minutes of silence, three minutes of silence, this told me I was safe. I pushed the door shut slowly once again, one could not be too careful. I bounded up the stairs, ran to my room, all without a sound, silence was my friend, silence was my angel, silence was my gift from god. In my safe haven, my plane of existence, my room, I sighed, relieved. There were good days and bad days, and today was an excellent day. On a good day, a confrontation with Cerberus would not have been avoided. On bad days, Hades would be present to pass a judgement and sentence. Excellent days like these were hard to come by, where I'd be alone. Alone, in my cell.
The reflection stared back at me as I peered into this glass panel, a mirror. I reminded myself that this was why I was worlds apart from Eden. I was ugly. I belonged in this ugly world, with my ugly past, in my ugly home. A tear escaped my control, I willed it to stop as it rolled down my cheeks, flushed. Crying was a sign of weakness, there was to be no weakness tolerated. I needed to be strong. Two more years, and I'll be gone. I removed each article of clothing with caution and as the cotton slid of my tender flesh, blotches of red and blue-black surfaced. Hideous, I thought, I was a hideous monster that never belonged. I stepped through the shower curtains into the shower, the rush of warm water pounded my back, soothing the aching muscles and sore skin. I loved this feeling, it was a relief. Water represented healing. As the water rushed against the stinging wounds, I wished it would heal the ones beneath the surface. I cleaned myself, washing away the dirt accumulated from the day, yet no matter how hard I scrubbed, how much soap I used, my impurity would not wash off with water. I stepped out, turning the tap till the water was a mere trickle before it stopped. I wrapped myself in a towel as I held my gaze to the reflection in the mirror, I raised a hand and the image copied. I was still me, pathetic. I dried myself as I slipped on clean clothes, an oversized tee-shirt and a pair of sweatpants. It was comfortable, as comfortable as I could ever get in this place I call home.
This was a side of me no one knew, not even Joanne. This was the reason why I could not wear the things she wore. How could I expose my hideousness to the world? It has to be kept under wraps. I lay on the bed, fantasizing over Eden's perfection, how I longed for him to be mine and only mine. The homework and books that lay in my bag went untouched for the rest of the afternoon. I sighed, none of the obligations I had could tear me away from this dream. I basked in the memory of his smiles and laughter, each time making me smile. I would have probably looked like a psychotic fool, hallucinating, from far away, yet I continued to smile and giggle to myself. It was worth it all. After all, my mental health was already not much to be proud of. I let the memories flood and overwhelm me, taking me to a different universe altogether. Just one day, so many beautiful scenes. I prayed for the millions that would come as time passed. The closing of the car door merely tickled my ears as I was lost in my fantasies. It was the crashing of the door against it's door frame that woke me from my heaven, he was home.
My defensive reflexes were switched on, adrenaline pumping through every vein. My hair stood on ends, goosebumps covering every inch of skin. I huddled my torso to my knees, a fetal position. I was afraid. I knew in a few seconds he would enter, he would take me to hell and then bring me back. My mind slipping away, I entered my zone. The last thing I heard was the door clicking shut, his figure encroaching upon my personal space, the fear dissolved into nothingness. Inside, I was spiraling towards nothingness, a constant black all around, no light, no walls, no limits.
Then a pin-hole sized light illuminated my world, I regained control over my senses. I knew it was over. The door clicked shut as I gathered my clothing strewn all over the floor, the stiffness and soreness in my limbs vying for attention. I looked at my monstrous reflection in the bathroom mirror. I was a tool, nothing more. Tears welled up in my eyes, I willed them back. I could not allow this to overwhelm me, it was a routine I was accustomed to. Yet, inside my heart I doubted I would ever be able to suppress this helplessness and misery completely. A monster, that's what he is and what he's turning me into. I brushed my teeth and attempted to attend to the fresh bruises. I lay once again on the bed, allowing exhaustion to penetrate my inner-self.
That night, I dreamed. It was not a nightmare, it was a dream. A dream I wished would not end, I wished was reality, I wished was my life. It ended.
Sunlight rudely penetrated my loosely-shut eyelids, morning had arrived. I yawned as I tried to erase the traces of sleep from my face. I walked to the bathroom, the mirror displayed a hideous monster with outrageous bed-hair. I laughed at the sight of my ridiculous state, then a sudden sharp pain in my side informed me of my sores. The pain forced the breath out of me, I clutched my sides. I peeled off the remaining clothing and tried to tame my hair with a brush, tugging at the frizzes which seemed rebellious as always. I looked in the mirror, ignoring the slight discolouration of patches of my skin. I felt a little less ugly, pretty maybe, just a little. I slipped into the shower, and the water came pounding on my skin. I sighed in relief, I could always enjoy a good warm shower. My hair succumbed to the weight of the water and straightened, ropes of it sticking to my skin down to my shoulders. As I massaged the shampoo into my scalp, I smiled at the thought of seeing him today, Eden. Sub-conciously, I quickened my pace. In less than 20 minutes, I was out the front door. Mornings were good, neither of them, fear tingling down my spine, were morning people. I skipped along the pavements, basking in the rays of golden sunlight. The trees looked majestic as the leaves swayed in the light breeze, which carried a hint of fragrance. Life seemed a lot more brighter. I stood in the same spot as I did the day before, hoping I would spot him amongst the heads in the crowd. There he was, his head of black hair stood out, I walked briskly, almost running, to his side.
"Hello!" I chirped. I chirped, what am I turning into now? I questioned my sanity.
He turned to look at me, and I realised how my memory was failing. It never served to preserve his beauty in a worthy manner. His charcoal eyes intense, and his smile so warm. I would have been ecstatic and gone into a state of shock if I didn't know that this story wasn't going to have a happy ending. Instead, it was a stab to my heart, I could almost hear the tearing of the heart tissue.
"Hey! You're bright this early morning," He replied, in his musical voice.
"Have I not always been?" I teased subtly. Oh my god! Am I flirting with him?! There was a conflict within myself, my body acted on its own accord. It gave in to its primal instincts, seduce and mate.
"Uh huh." His eyebrows arched.
I giggled, and the conversation carried on. Ranging from so many different topics, we were becoming friends. Creatures so different, he was on the magnificent end of the spectrum and I was on the dull one, friends? Such immense comparison, how could I keep up? That thought vanished as I was enchanted by his presence, happiness blooming within me. It almost made me forget my other half, almost.
Departure loomed over me as the school entered my field of vision. Leaving was always hard, it was like tearing part of me away. I looked into his eyes once more, reluctant to say those words that meant so much, and stuttered out a "see you later." Goodbye was just too hard to say, it meant farewell, a possibility of not meeting again and just the thought of it was heart-wrenching. Classes resumed as per normal and although my mind never did wander far from the lessons, his face occasionally popped into my mind. It was going to be difficult, what exactly, I wasn't sure, but I knew it would be difficult.
Lunch, I accompanied the unusually silent Joanne towards the cafeteria, my insides bursting with anticipation. Joanne shot me side glance once or twice, a twinge of guilt crept up with me. I promised once before that I would always have lunch with her. I sighed, apologetic yet unable to say the words. But in truth, I wasn't sorry at all, he was worth my attention, all of it. I was just sorry that I couldn't give both of them my fullest attention, he just draws me to him, and my attention focuses on him only. Other than his perfection, all others blur around him, a monochrome.
I never believed, never, in love at first sight, yet I find myself gradually warming up to the idea. I lost myself completely in the comfort of those burning eyes, I had no idea what it was if it weren't love. Eden would come to find me during lunch and after school, I couldn't comprehend his attraction. Who was I to command such attention? Every single time I waited for his arrival, I would fiddle with the highly-possible idea of him finally discovering how completely ordinary and insignificant I was, yet time and again that thought was proven wrong with his sudden appearance. He became my best friend, one I couldn't live without, more than Joanne could ever be. I admitted it, I was in love with him, completely and utterly. I lost it.
*****
Chapter 4
It had become a routine, I'd meet him during lunch, after school. We'd hang out, just hang out. He seemed to be hiding something too, I could see it in his eyes. There was something familiar in those dark eyes, a little ashy, the same I saw in the emerald green of mine in the mirror, secrets. He never asked more than I would like to reveal, he respected my boundaries, not wanting to intrude, and I gave back the same respect. We were like two halves of the same whole, all our misfits, things that separated us from the norm, seemed to fit each other seamlessly. It was like every crevice and crack could be filled, my flaws were no longer flaws with him. We were soul-mates.
I was tempted. I wanted to know everything about him. I wanted to be his only one. I wanted to have him all to myself. I wanted his secret too. I wanted to help, I didn't want to see the occasional sorrow that filled his eyes. I wanted to be there for him. I wanted to tread these unchartered waters, walk these shadowed roads, I wanted to hold him in his own darkness. Because, no one deserves a life like mine, and he truly deserves much more.
I fiddled and toyed with the idea over and over in my mind for nights and days, during the seemingly long hours of school. I decided.
He was there, just as always, his sunshine smile making me feel like I was worth more than I truly was. I skipped over. Ever since I had started hanging out with him, I realised parts of me that I had never thought existed, like how I could joke, how I could laugh without a care, how I could truly smile. He held out his hand and I took it. His touch electric still, I once wondered whether it would ever fade, this adrenaline rush, but it never did. And I didn't want it to either. I felt like I belonged there. Then his eyes turned, a sorrowful ash grey, pain rampaged through my body, my chest tight and shoulders tense. It hurt. I willed myself to relax, today will be the day.
"What's wrong?" my tone concerned yet filled with hope.
"Nothing." The false-cheer in his tone made it even more doubtful.
"You know you can tell me anything right? Anything." I tried to reassure his doubts.
A pleading look in his eyes told me not probe anymore, it begged, pleaded, it perfectly conveyed the message that if he could get on his knees right now, he would. Just for me to stop it.
"Yeah."
Inside, I was crying. I was crying for him, he had a secret that was just like mine. A burden, something that was unspeakable yet tearing him apart. He didn't deserve it, I did.
*****
Days passed, weeks, months, it continued. The despair hung over like a thick fog, suffocating us, it was all a facade. We wore masks over the bruises, over the cuts, over the broken hearts. The smiles we gave to each other were meant to deter the concern that burned in the other's eyes, we cared yet we didn't want the other to care. How ironic. It was worse for him I could see, his perfection paled, his eyes dull, lifeless, the shadows under his lids swore sleepless nights, eyes swollen and puffy blatantly confirmed my guesses, each time he spoke, his lip quivered almost as if it exhausted him and frightened him. He was definitely going through a rough patch in his life, it was slightly- No, immensely different, my life was rough, always. I've learnt the art of concealment far better. After all, I've had had more time to practice, all the time in the world.
*****
I was brought into this world by three things only, just three. They were the hormonal changes during adolescence, dismissive thoughts on contraceptives and lots and lots of faith in religion. Three things, none symbolised nor hinted any form of love, there was just passion, lots of passion, then regret. It was loveless. I was a mistake, someone, something, that deserved nothing. I had learnt to expect nothing, because my expectations always brought disappointment. There was nothing good enough about me, I was never good enough. Breathing was tiring for me, it exhausted me to continue the rising and falling of my chest, the expanding and contracting of my lungs, the rhythmic contractions of my heart. It had been draining to continue until I met him.
He brought me sight, he was my sun. He brought me comfort, he was my sky. He brought me love, he was my ocean. My vast ocean, washing against me, pulling me in. It used to be a place where hideousness, darkness and hate reigned supreme, that was the world I knew. But he came along, with his perfection, his cheeriness, his beauty and opened my eyes. I saw the world for the first time, for it's beauty, it's magnificence, it's love. It was a love which I had not known existed, I knew people believed in it, I just didn't. I labelled it as their ignorance, their falseness, their choice to live in fantasy. Now it was real to me, the love that stretched across the world, wider than the sky, deeper than the ocean. I felt like someone understood, someone cared. I felt loved.
*****
Eden walked me home almost everyday, it was the highlight of my day. We'd just walk and talk, it was one of the moments I wished time would come to a standstill. Today however, the air was thick with tension, something I was not used to. It was like breathing in smoke. Words failed me as I tried fruitlessly to grasp at random topics. My heart thumping at a dangerously fast pace, a consistent furious beat almost mimicking that of a hummingbird's wings. Nerves claimed my forebrain, a speech barrier. Never before have I felt like this in his presence, I felt distant. It was strange and unfamiliar, something I did not like.
"So-" I manage to stutter out and was halted by the inquisitive look on his face.
"Mmm-hmm." His dejected tone and fallen expression made it hard to suppress my concern.
"Nothing. I can get home from here. Thanks." I tried my best to smile, but moisture filled my eyes. It was probably too obvious.
"Kay. I'm gonna go now. See you tomorrow?" His tone flat. His eyes a flat black. It was so detached.
"Sure. See you then." The multiple puncture wounds through me now bled, invisible. They were wounds that left scars beneath the skin, beneath the flesh.
I stood there, on the sidewalk, watching his back. As he left, I felt the distance between us lengthen, the emotional one magnified the physical by hundreds of thousands. It was worlds apart all over again. It was equivalent to the teetering and tottering of a see-saw. Balance was the key, and I've felt we've lost balance. Fell off one side, but maybe the true reason was far beyond me. The mystery I've seen the very first day in those eyes, that mystery pushed us away from each other, just like the like poles of a magnet. It was repulsion - repulsive.
I concentrated on walking; left foot in front of right, right foot in front of left, left in front of right, right in front of left, left, right, left, right, left right, left... I forcefully blocked out everything else, concentrating on the minute details around me. The violet flowers that lined the sides of the pavements mostly had five petals per flower. I traced the patterns on the bark of the oak trees in my mind over and over each other until I got lost within the maze I had created. Lost, like how I lost myself within the seemingly infinite depth of his eyes. Like how I lost myself whenever I spoke to him, using mannerisms and phrases I detested. Like how I lost myself to him, how everything he said and did impacted me so greatly it left impressions that would never fade.
I pushed that thought away, stuffed it into the closet of my mind, shut and bolted it. I scanned looking at the sky, such a brilliant shade of blue. He loved blue, his favourite colour. He wore it almost everyday and it was something I couldn't object to. It brought out the intensity of his eyes. The same eyes that depicted that sorrow so huge, the confusion so thick and the pain so fresh. I shoved it aside but I knew no matter what I diverted my attention to, it will always go back to him. It was too much to bear. He was too much in my life. I was seeing his shadow everywhere, in everything. He haunted me.
*****
The shadow loomed over me as I stood on the porch. My hand trembling slightly, I unlocked the door. Unknown traps and potential disasters lurked within the darkness, there was no escaping. I stepped into it. It came charging.
"Where the hell have you been? Did your legs give way while walking, trying to support your FAT body?!" He barked viciously.
The words shredded my self-esteem, not to say I had much to speak off. The words bled with poison, each cruel and harsh. It was normal.
"No, no." I squeaked timidly, fear rapidly spreading through me, a paralyzer.
"What?! What did you say? Are you so weak, so weak to even speak properly?" He demanded, intent on making me miserable.
"No daddy, no." I pleaded. The begging in my voice so sincere yet I knew it was hopeless.
"That's what you are, a weakling. Get lost now!" He exploded, obviously satisfied with crushing my dignity.
"Thank you daddy, thank you." I mumbled.
I raced up the stairs in what could have been record time, pushing the door shut silently. I didn't want another exchange with that monster. Tears rolled silently down my cheeks, I was a weakling.
The memories of when my life wasn't based on this fear and cruelty alone felt distant, too distant. I searched for it, for my relief yet I couldn't find it. I slumped in despair on my bed and something beneath my pillow drew my attention as my head hit it. I lifted my pillow up and there it lay, long, glinting and sharp. I placed it on my bare flesh, the wave of adrenaline washed over me as the chills ran down my spine. I retreated into the very private confines of my mind, a safety net where there was only me and the eternal darkness I sought. Yet this time, I felt strong arms wrapped around my petite frame, warm and comforting. My desire to numb faded and all I wanted was to bury myself into this firm chest to hide from the shadows, my shadows. I remember this smell, I can't and won't forget. I was reluctant to let it out of my system but my head was spinning from not breathing. I exhaled only to inhale it once more, stronger. It was heaven, I swore. The clink of metal against my floor drew me back and I stowed the blade away in the drawer. I lay on the bed, slipping into my fantasies, where he'd hold me forever, where it wasn't just my one-sided affair, where I felt I could love and feel loved.
*****
Chapter 5
The morning sun filtered through the blinds, intruding my slumber. I awoke, misty-eyed. Mornings were dreadful. I dragged and tugged a brush through the tangles in my hair, brushed my teeth and changed into my school clothes all with my eyes half-opened and my brain still fogged by sleep. I said goodbye to the reflection in the mirror, hoping that today would be a fine day, that's all I asked for, just a fine day.
I slipped my sneakers on and headed out the door. The morning air hit me with a rush, the crisp smell of dew on the blades of grass invigorated me. It was going to be a good morning. I just wished my personal sun would come out from behind the clouds, to stop hiding and and shine with all the vigor in him.
He smiled, that was a good sign, when he caught my eye. There was a certain twinkle in his eyes and a secret behind that large wide grin plastered across his face. This cheeriness so genuine and innocent melted my heart. My knees threatened to give way. This inhumanely beautiful sight reduced me to a pile of rubber every time but I could certainly get used to it.
He took my hand and I couldn't help but stifle my giggle. The sun shone on us, like a spotlight. It was these kind of moments that made my life seem even remotely bearable. It was a rare day like this one where I'd take everything in my stride and not allow anything to invade upon my happiness. It was blissful. He was full of talk, eager to fill every silence with conversation and I wasn't opposed to be the listening ear. I would listen with my undivided attention, attempting to focus on the words that he spoke instead of the smooth honey voice, to ignore the loose strands of hair that caught the wind, to avert my eyes away from his every few seconds. It was a game I'd love to play for hours.
Then silence came. He seemed to have noticed that my attention span was only that lasting. I opened my mouth to apologize but he silenced me, his finger over my lips. We had been walking a long way now with him guiding me as my eyes were busy with something more important, him. I realised we'd been walking in the opposite direction from school. We were now in a park, unfamiliar. It was less a park and more a field actually. Plants grew untamed, unweeded, unrestricted. And he stood there, his face caught the sunlight, giving a glow to his skin, giving life to his eyes. If at that moment, wings could sprout from the middle of his back, it would be complete and completely believable.
A piercing pain through my chest made me gasp involuntarily as I realised I didn't belong in this fairytale. I didn't deserve this angel and as much as I wanted him I couldn't have him. A tear escaped my control and glided down my cheek. Absorbed in my own despair, I failed to notice his presence, a first. His strong hand caressed my cheek, wiping away the tear. His skin was warm and his touch soft. I looked up into his concerned eyes, windows to his complex soul. I shook my head almost violently as if explaining why I denied his entry into my world and he pulled me into an embrace. His scent was intoxicating, making me dizzy. His chest so firm and muscular, perfect for my head. I wrapped my arms around his slim waist, pulling him closer. I didn't want to lose him. I closed my eyes.
When I opened them, it was dark. I couldn't see. I awaited the adjustment but it didn't happen. I was blind.
I awoke, screaming yet again. It was only a dream because only in dreams do beautiful, extraordinary things happen to me.
*****
As the sunlight stung my open eyes, my brain registered the fact that it had all just been a dream, a frightful dream. I rolled on my side to check the time. It was already 6:30am and I knew an additional 15 minutes would not make a difference so I hopped out of bed, determined to make it a beautiful enjoyable day. I opened my wardrobe as I pondered what to wear and I realised my choices were limited. I shrugged out of my crumpled clothing and inspected my bruises. It seemed as if the heavens were on my side today, the bruises and sores from last week that occupied my shoulders, upper back, shins and feet had healed and all that was left was a slight yellowish discolouration. It meant I was able to finally wear a dress as the sunny weather permitted. I extracted my pale green sundress with minimal floral print, orangey-yellow vines ,actually, creeping down the left side of the dress tangling into an intricate web at the end of the fabric. I took a quick shower, wanting to maximise the time I had left for minimal make-up. People usually thought my feminine side did not exist just because I couldn't express it. Today, it was different. I was given a chance. But nonetheless, a certain soul named Eden might have had something to do with this change too.
As I slipped on the dress, I smoothed it out. I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my blonde hair darkened with moisture. I took the time to blow it dry, then pulling it up into a ponytail. Drawing out wisps of fringe to frame my face, I looked back into the mirror to see someone beautiful, someone that didn't seem like me. I glanced at my watch which showed a very alarming time, 7:00am. I hurried to put on my concealer, careful to disguise small bruises and red blotches. Then came the navy liner which took a long time and the mascara which just didn't seem to cooperate with my lashes. I dusted on a sprinkle of blusher and rushed out of the room with my tote. I pulled on a pair of inch-high heels, black, to contrast with my dress.
Out the door, I strutted proudly into the glow of the morning feeling pretty, for once. I saw him from a distance, his eyes danced from one object to another in random order, nerves obviously claiming him. When he looked in my direction, I smiled briefly. He seemed to have been angered and impatient and I quickened my pace a little. I stood in front of him, awaiting some kind of acknowledgment. He just ignored me.
I thought to myself, "Damned, I'm in trouble," and stuttered out, "S...s.sorry."
His head snapped to look at me and I was a little disappointed as I had hoped that I could have elicited a dramatic response. The initial shock was present on his gorgeous face but his slightly opened mouth morphed into a smile slightly wider than usual.
I blushed furiously, realising he hadn't recognised me till that very moment. I tried to break the awkward moment by saying, "Uhmm... Hi?"
He was obviously suppressing a grin now and I shifted my weight in discomfort, I didn't like that he felt something was funny.
"Wow!" He exclaimed, "That's all I can say, wow!"
If at that moment, my face could turn any redder, it would have but I guessed I must've reached optimum redness because I could feel my heart thumping against my ribcage, my ears felt red-hot and my insides quivered.
"Uhmm... Could you stop gawking and let's go?" I tried sarcastically but came out timidly.
He smiled and I could see him return to himself, realising that I was still me.
As we resumed walking to school, he turned to me and questioned, "So why did you dress like before if you could dress so..." and gestured to my attire.
"Glam?" I filled in the blanks. "Well, it takes a great deal of effort you know? And it just felt right for such a good day." The lie came out so fast and steadily that I, myself, almost bought it.
"Do you like it?" It slipped out faster than I could bite my tongue.
He started to say, " O...."
"Cause I spent so much time on my hair and my make-up. I swear the liner was the hardest part." I interjected, afraid he might interpret it any other way.
He reassured me, "You're beautiful, you were and you are." Unlike before, he was cool and calm, almost as if he rehearsed it.
He then looked at me apologetically almost as if he said something he didn't mean to. I blushed but I knew deep inside, I loved every word that came out of his mouth.
*****
I felt fingertips on my shoulder, followed by a very irritated tone, "You have got to be kidding me, are you colourblind?"
Before I could reply, the same voice preached, "Black so does not go with green. And are those are heels? God they're hideous!"
I smiled to myself, knowing I've been forgiven for the my atrocious behaviour towards Joanne, ignoring her for the most part. But seeing that familiar look of disapproval on her face, I couldn't help but chuckle.
I glanced at her apologetically, my eyes meeting her for a single moment before I stuttered out, "S...s...sorry."
She resumed a superior stance and retorted, "Well you should be, you kept me waiting a long time. I want all the details. Have you guys actually done it?" Excitement danced in her eyes.
"Ewww... No! I plan on maintaining a virginal status. I'm no whore!" I joked, "Besides, I don't even think he looks at me that way," the disappointment blatant in my voice.
"Pshhhht! God, if you remain an old maid, don't blame me!" She sniggered, punctuating it with her famous eye-roll. "And are you kidding? You look hot, minus the heels, and the dress!"
Blood flooded the veins under the skin on my face, "Whatever... Anyway I'm willing to succumb to any type of punishment you see fit," I tried to divert the conversation away from me.
"You," she pointed at me with her long index finger, her pink nail glittering, "are going shopping with me." she simply stated.
"OH THE HORROR!" I squealed in mock horror.
Her hand twined with mine as we found our way to class, my friend has come back to me. I was content with the direction my day was taking, but I did not dare to hope for anymore. My life was known for it's unpredictable twists. But for now, I was having a fine day, better than fine actually. It was a good day.
Government class was a total bore, the teacher, Mr Samuels had a voice that could equal to a robot, picture words, just words, chunks of them void of emotion. There, you get the general picture. I usually had the capacity to sustain a look of interest but at that moment, I was having difficulty suppressing the fits of giggles that were threatening to erupt from the base of my throat.
*****
The trees planted on the sidewalk felt as if they had been waving to me, their leaves rustling to produce musical notes in a jumbled order. The sunlight flitted from the heavens to light every inch of the road before me, gracing me with the beauty of sight. And there were fragrances from the flowers that infiltrated my nostrils but the most intrusive was the masculine scent that wafted over. I inhaled it with all the lung capacity I had but I just needed more, like an addict. Before we walked to our respective classes, he told me, "You're always beautiful and the best friend I've had. I -" The bell intruded into our conversation.
Annoyed, I was at the sudden intrusion of the bell. I wanted so badly to know what he wanted to say. However, his compliment made the dam burst and the giggles exploded out of my mouth. I clasped my hand over my mouth almost instantaneously but it was too late. I'd seen it, the evil eye.
"ECK HM! Excuse me, Miss Johnson!" he cleared his throat and accused.
*****
Chapter 6
I remember the first time it happened. I was thirteeen. The pain was excruciating, as if I were to be split in half. He didn't care, continuing as if he heard nothing. My screams were shrill and I could feel my throat withering from the force I was exerting. I remember, my wrists bound and legs entangled in a mess of ropes. The abrasions left my arms and legs scarred with red. Rouge, they said, couleur de passion. Masses of it running down my legs, I could feel the sting of my open wounds, the ones hidden inside me. My face was streaked with the hundreds of thousands of beads that rolled down their sides. My heart was punctured, deflated and the pain was unbearable. When he withdrew, he took along everything else. I lost heart.
Butterflies flitted across the window sill, their choreography perfected yet natural, their grace and beauty subtle yet astonishing and their freedom so enviable. Butterflies exhibiting their captivating wings, their colours enchanting yet tame, their size so immense yet delicate and their patterns so maze-like. Butterflies, they were in my abdomen as he strutted across the hallway, a walk so strong it would have put a supermodel to shame. He didn't see them, like vultures circling a fresh carcass. His eyes were fixated on me as they worked their magic, the intense darkness hypnotising me, putting me in a state of shock.
"Hey pretty," he complimented.
I couldn't help but break into a grin and replied, "Not so bad yourself, handsome."
And we continued hand in hand to the cafeteria, laughing at our own idiocy.
*****
"Soooo..... what's up with you and the new guy?" she interrogated, "Spill it!"
"Those shoes will look better in purple," I suggested.
"Nothing actually, we're just friends."
She snapped her fingers impatiently as I watched the hilarious scene of the sales assistants scurrying to attend to her needs, almost tripping over their own two feet.
"Mmm hmm..." she raised her eyebrow sarcastically. She was probably the only person who could pull it off without looking as if they were trying too hard.
"Friends don't skip down the hallways with fingers interlaced," she accused.
"Neither do they neglect other friends for what? Three months?!" she counted with her fingers.
"Aw... I already said I was sorry." I pleaded with a puppy-dog look.
"Can't you just get over it?"
"Nope." she simply announced.
Sigh. "And can't guys and girls just maintain a platonic friendship with no romantic interest whatsoever?" I asked, irritated.
"Nope!" she repeated smugly.
"God, this is infuriating." I complained.
"Don't worry, shoes are the cure-all for any kind of problem!" she exclaimed.
"God I love these heels!"
"I'll take them," she gestured to the overworked sales assistant as she withdrew her Visa from her purse, a smirk on her face.
I couldn't help but break into a laugh when I saw the flustered sales assistant trip over the tens of shoeboxes that contained Joanne's recent purchases. She was such a shopaholic, my best friend.
*****
'The phone's ringing,' I thought absentmindedly as though it would have picked itself up. Then I realised, 'The phone's ringing?!" My home phone, the one that never did, is ringing. I rushed down to pick it up.
"Hello. May I speak to Miss Taylor Johnson please?" a woman with a melodic voice asked.
"Speaking." I simply replied.
"Is there anyone home besides yourself?" she politely inquired.
There never is. "Nope." I said simply.
"Well I'm sorry." she said, sympathetic.
What for? I waited for her to continue.
"Your parents have been involved in a construction site accident..." her voice cautious and pretentious.
And rape, and abuse, and abandonment.
"They passed away in the ER within twenty minutes of admission."
My eyes watered not out of sadness, nor pity. They were just what I thought would be appropriate.
"Social services will contact you soon and your next-of-kin about what to do with their..." she trailed off
Keep it.
"I'm really sorry." Then, she hung up.
Don't be. Thank you.
*****
The heat radiating was immense, it burned to the touch and I could feel the blisters forming all over my skin. Then I felt a pool of something warm and gooey forming a puddle in the hollow of my neck. Then I felt a pair of sickeningly cool hands slather it all over me. My eyelids refused to abide by me as they remained shut though I willed them to open. It hurt as though someone had stitched the skin together. As I fought to tear them wide open, I felt icy fingers climbing deftly along the hem of my shorts to the buckle. I screamed but no sound came out. With a sickening rip, I could see.
The last image from that vivid nightmare haunted me as I clutched onto the sheets. I had kicked off the quilt and caused much turmoil among the bed-linens. I opened my mouth to hear the raspy voice echoing off the bare walls calling for help, for recognition but no one heard me, not even myself. I plunged back into the hollow that had been formed by my body in the night, closing my eyes, hoping for a chance to fall back into my slumber. But those eyes, bloodshot and accusing, stared at me from the inside of my eyelids. Every time I closed them, I could feel their stares bearing holes into me. Their faces bruised and battered, bones crushed and protruding from their skin. I wanted to tell them it was karma but I couldn't open my mouth because I knew if I did, my screams would wake the neighbourhood. They hear me sometimes, the neighbours, screaming at the top of my lungs. They come over sometimes to offer their condolences. They bring flowers and fruit-baskets sometimes, that would sit on the countertop until they started to rot. They didn't know that my nightmares were a cause of not their death, but their lives. There was so much blood smeared all over me like I'd been bleeding but I hadn't. He'd been bleeding. Yes, my father had been bleeding, and he tainted me.
Washing away the lasts of that horrifying nightmare, the water sensually relieved the knots in my back. It tugged on my hair, pulling it straight and for the first time, I truly felt naked. There was nothing to hide away those purplish-bruises anymore, nothing to hide away my broken body and nothing to hide my broken spirit. The water soothed and sang to me, the rhythmic trickle playing notes that hushed me into a safe place. Wrapping myself in the heavy-weight down towel, the warmth so sweet and the comfort so heartwarming, I stepped out into the cool air, unknowing to how my day will be for the first time in ages, ready to take on the world. There would be no more shouting, no more screaming, no more hurting, no more abuse.
